sometimes I feel fat, and this is one of those times. Damn I have to go to work. I just wanna sleep all day. I'm done with FINALS which is good times. Last night I was such a phone whore and called like six people, well maybe just three or four. I need to shower and get ready, but I don't want to get off my ass right now. Monday is a big game day at my brothers place downtown (D&D bitches). Maybe I won't shower and catch the 8:30 bus off the island. Tomorrow Kevin Devine is puttin on a show, but its all the way out on fucking staten island, who the fuck wants to go out there? I might go. "I'm a shadow that whispers stupid songs about his heart" (Kevin Devin song that is playing right now) Yeah yeah yeah I gotta go.


-AWM

The question you ask is simple in composition, but the context is very deep indeed. How do I explain three words that I mean?

I should have known that night.
When I awoke to your claws imbedded in my chest.
This love would be a smothering kind.
And yes I still carry the scar.
Black hair and green eyes.
You’re beautiful.
You’re desperate.
Now I have a shadow with a face.
Always when I walk in the door you’re at my side.
Face a silent mask that shouts questions.
You wrinkle your nose.
Do you smell the others?
Don’t I have the right to see whom I want?
Don’t I have the right to hold whomever I want?
I should have known that night.
While that small trickle of blood ran down my chest.
My black haired, green eyed, and jealous shadow.




-AWM

What did I do before my big math final? wrote some poetry! The comp didn't post it before, but I mailed it to myself and am posting it now. The math final was not all that bad, and I don't think I'm gonna fail (if I do it won't be by much). Tonight maybe StarWars, and def Alison (YEAA)! Good times.


Hey traveler.
Do you need a shoulder, so you can lean for a while?
Maybe an ear, and someone who will listen to how it hasn’t been your year?
Well I got two free shoulders, so pick one and lean.
My ear I’ll lend you for as long as you need.
Life is a journey, and sometimes we share a dusty road.
So can I pay you a kindness, and you buy me nothing at all?
Because I know how it is not to have that shoulder to lean on.
I remember a time when I had nobody to share my load.
Sometimes it helps to not be alone.
When you’re done bitching, and have dried your tears.
I’ll buy you a meal.
I’ll buy you two drinks because you’ll need one for the road.
I know what its like to be hungry and poor.
And nothing is worse then that long walk home when you are dying of thirst.
So can I pay you a kindness, and you buy me nothing at all?
Because life is a journey; and sometimes we share a dusty road.




Storm crow where are you going?
Storm crow what do you know?
Do you know where the sunshine is?
Do you know how to find a place of smiles, and where problems are few?
Is that why you leave us behind?
Because you know how to find the sunshine?

Storm crow where are you flying to?
Are you afraid?
The clouds are gonna break any minute, and it will rain.
Well I’m not running.
Because I’m brave?
I’ll weather the storm.
The sunshine will be back someday.

Storm crow you’ll be far away.
Keep flying if that’s what you do.
Maybe you know where to find those smiles and eternal sunshine.
Best of luck to you.
I’ll be here wet with the rain.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Storm Crow where are you going?
Storm Crow what do you know?
Do you know where the sunshine is?
Do you know a place of smiles, and where the problems are few?
Is that why you leave us behind?



Scream about how you want to change.
Do everything exactly the same.
Always complain.
Take it all, and give nothing back.
Keep that mind on its one and only track.
Straight ahead into that brick wall.
Don’t care at all.
Keep on screaming, and someday you might have something to say.
But I doubt it because you do everything the same.
Still on that one and only track.
Still screaming about how you want to change.
Still the same.
You love to complain.




-AWM

These are some major events that have transpired over the last week or so.

Met a girl (Alison) and asked her out on a date.
Poetry Slam (took Alison {that was the date}).
Saw Kevin Devine at Bowery Ballroom.
Alison and I spend time in central park (now we’re dating).
I buy Kevin Devine’s new album and it rocks.
Hang out with Paul and some of Alison’s awesome friends at Paul’s church.
D&D at my brothers.
Meet up with Alison in the city, and she comes home (Dan’s) with me.
I show up at work at 2, (note to self be in at 9:30 from now until I die).
I spend a night in New Jersey with Alison, and have an amazing time.




Now for some random poetry.



This grass that is our backdrop, and it seems to go on forever.
Our company is stray starlight.
Holding you tight in my arms, and I don’t want to surrender you to Jersey Tonight.












You’re so desperate to be saved, and so afraid that you will always be this way.

You don’t care who plays hero, as long as you are pulled from the flames.

Just be careful with that hero. Things on tall pedestals when they fall tend to break.

You tell yourself things can’t get worse, but you can’t see how. You can not see.

You tell yourself things can change for the better, but you don’t believe. You do not believe.

You tell yourself you’re “okay”, but you won’t see that until it’s too late. You are okay.

Go to bed, and have those dreams about that hero. Maybe tomorrow will be that day you get saved.

Go to bed and have those sweet dreams.




City boy you are far from home tonight. These are strange shores, but the path you use to travel is familiar. Follow your heart young city boy, and enjoy the places it takes you.














-AWM

sometimes I really hate this thing. From now on I'm not going to be afraid of who I am. I won't hide behind a screen any longer.





-AWM

I have some work to do, and a lot of good times ahead. I have a three page paper to write for english and I think that I'm going to write something whacky again (like my midterm in which I wrote about Anakin and Luke Skywalker). I gotta get some sleep. Right now I love the world.



The day,

woke up
got coffe
worked on the house with Dan
home
computer
bed.



-AWM

Peace find me this day.



-AWM

so in the next few weeks I might move into Dan's basement apt with Randy. I hope things work out. Today was beautiful, and after class I hung out in central park for an hour or two. Sometimes life is great.





-AWM

Flash
Alone on a beach sits a young man. This beach offers a grand view of the Manhattan skyline at night. It’s dark. The young man takes a long drag on a cheap cigar; this cigar and the young man’s thoughts are his only companions. He is alone. This young man is a bastard child of the city he looks upon, and in truth was thrown away a long time ago. They call it eviction. These are some of the thoughts that run through the young man’s mind. The young man sits on the beach, and the lights of the city are reflected in his eyes.


Flash

Lying in your bed, and your so close. I breathe and my lungs are filled with your beautiful scent. This is bliss. My hand reaches out for yours, and in the darkness I find you, and in the darkness we hold onto each other. Your skin is so soft I can’t begin to describe it. You turn over and I’m facing your back. You say something that is lost in a roar of blankets readjusting. I’m about to ask what it is you said when you turn suddenly. You move fast, and with accuracy. Our lips touch and we kiss. I’m caught so off guard by this move, and lose myself in the joy of your lips pressed against mine. I stumble through the kiss; you really caught me off guard. When were done I’m left breathless. You lay your head on my chest, and I wrap you in my arms. This is bliss. There is nothing about this moment that is not beautiful, and I will remember it forever.




This heart of mine
This soul I find
This compromising bind
"All in time"
Reclusive mind
Emotions defined
The past behind
"All in time"
This heart I find
This soul of mine
This compromising bind
"All in time"
Reclusive defined
Emotions, mind
The past behind
"All in time"



"Far too many drinks, with two too many quarters." -Drunk AWM






-AWM

Alive and well.





-AWM

Is it selfish of me to want to be her hero?


Scars that we wear as proud badges that declare the number of battles we have won, or wars we are still fighting. The dull ache of trials and tribulations that we hide behind a hopeful gleam in our eyes, and yes some days this gleam is nothing more than a facade. Dull ache or no there is still a fight left to be fought, and life left in us to fight it. We will endure in spite of obstacles. As we lay our heads down to rest our minds plague us with depressing visions that are our waking reality. Regardless we trudge on in hopes of finding hope, and we just might someday.


Think of it not as searing heat, but as warmth.
Think of it not as burned, but as given a chance at life anew
Think of them not as scars, but as memories you will have always.
Think of it not as fire, but as love.
Tend these flames with a careful hand.



-AWM

Amanda is over. I can't get to sleep because my sister can't sleep with music on, and I need music to help me fall asleep.


My mind
A plethora of thoughts run rampant, and I am their captive audience.



-AWM

I bet most of you had no idea that I was gone, but I was and now I'm back. Gotta get my ass to school and after I think I' m going to meet up with this kid I met on the bus (Chris). Good times.





-AWM

(I pack my bag and head for the door.)
"where are you going?" my problems call out in a strained voice.
(I place my hand on the knob and pause.)
"Away, I'll be back in a few days." is my answer
"We are stll going to be here, so don't you worry." The last is said in a calm "all knowing" tone.
(I open the door and step out)
"I'm not running away, just taking a break."
(I close the door behind myself, and my journey starts.)




Your on my mind, and all the time.
Your in my dreams, and real it seems.
Your a part of my life, or what I wish it to be.
Im a whole of you, your a piece of me.
Your a part of my life, or what I wish it to be.
I'm waiting, but am I ready?
My hands are shaking, but my resolve is steady.
your in my dreams, and real it seems.





In the darkness do I find myself walking home. And into this darkness I voice the poetry that the day has inspired.



For hope, tomorrow, and the rising sun. Faith and forever.





-AWM

hurt
love
fear
need
want
dream
sing

and hope.




-AWM

I want to tell a story. There is hope and fear and a hero (or two or three) and there are "bad guys" also. There is love and pain and I already said hope and fear but you must understand there is much of these things. Dreams, light, and darkness are all a part of this story.

I really want to write about some things that are going on in my life right now, but my sister is over and I can't type right now.



Come darkness
Come sleep
Come dreams
and may I never wake from such slumber
to find my dreams forever out of reach



-AWM

I got some plans. I'll give you folks the full details later.





-AWM

Sara Vandenheuvel: "Did you ever dump him right after he told you he was feeling depressed"?

Sarah Federici: "Yeah I think the second or third time I dumped him was right after he told me he was depressed because it was fathers day or something like that".

Sara Vandenheuvel: "Yeah that’s how I dumped him, right after he told me he was feeling depressed".

Sarah Federici: "Well done".

This conversation didn’t take place, but it could.




-AWM

Last night I sift through the old entries of my journal. A mistake of sorts. Memories that are made manifest by user pictures and old "I love you" comments. The pictures have changed and reflect your growing photographic abilities and self-centered nature, but your still beautiful (and I’m still alone). I pry myself away from my past and get back to the task at hand which before my digression was writing my speech for speech class. My sifting acts as a muse of sorts, and I use the story of the unconscious guy that was bleeding from the head on the bus for an opener. When I actually give the speech in class it goes over great, and I have the highest score in the class so far for our Bio speech. After speech I have government and after that I’m free and meet up with Sara G.S. We chill at Central Park (I loved the gates and Sara didn’t really care for them) then we go and get something to eat, realize that its Caitlin’s birthday and give her a call. Later finds me at the Bowery Poetry Club, good times. As I leave the Bowery its snowing, I get on the train and read the poem book that I bought from one of the performers (awesome, both book and performer.). An hour later I’m at my stop, and it is no longer snowing. My bus pulls up right as I get off the train, and driving is Bobby. I tell him how things are going good at school, and we start to talk about the police test. Which he took years ago along with the Fireman, State Trooper, and sanitation test. Our conversation wraps up just as we reach my corner. Now I’m home. Tomorrow is Dan’s party, should be good times. Amanda (sister) is here so I should pay her some attention.




-AWM

So much I want to say. Please give me a minute or so to gather my thoughts.



-AWM